The Addicted Lawyer: Lecture by Brian Cuban

Brian Cuban, the middle brother of the famous Mark Cuban has quite the story to tell.  He revealed that the road to getting your J.D. and passing the bar is not that easy, and it can have even bigger obstacles if one is facing addiction.

The "Inner Child"

Some people think that addiction is linked to inner demons, but Cuban spoke of his inner child.  When he looked in the mirror, the reflection that looked back was a "disappointment" with less than average grades, a "fatso" that ate Chef Boyardee ravioli out of a can, and a "pushover" that was the target for the bullies at school.  His relationship with his mother became tumultuous early on in his childhood and worsened as he got older.  Every day, little Brian woke up with lots of "baggage" that he carried with him.

Brian's older brother, Mark, was entrepreneurial at a young age--riding his bike all the way from a small Pittsburgh suburb to Cleveland to obtain newspapers when the local press went on strike.  Brian looked up to his brother throughout his life.  One day, Mark gifted Brian with a pair of bell-bottom gold disco pants, as was in the fashion of the 1970s.  When Brian wore these to school, the bullying escalated even further.  On a walk home from school, the bullies tore Mark's gift off of Brian's body and shredded them.  Brain sadly walked home, attempting to hold up shreds to cover the lower half of his body.

In his mind, these actions validated all of the thoughts that echoed in Brian's mind when he looked in the mirror.  He felt very insignificant to himself and everyone else in the world around him.

The College Monster Reared It's Head

At 18 years old, Penn State freshman Brian looked forward to moving into his dorm and starting the next chapter of his life.  He was standing in the hallway when he spotted a cute girl with curly brown hair.  Mustering up the courage, he introduced himself and attempted to start a conversation.  She took in a breath, turned her head, and shouted "UGLY!" at the top of her lungs.  Brian's heart dropped to the floor and he hid in shame.

He was never going to date, no one was ever going to love him, and his entire life was out of control.  Grasping for any kind of control he could, Brian started to restrict his food intake.  He engaged in anorexic behavior, and his depression worsened.  This "control" did not make him feel better.  His eating disorder transformed into binging and purging bulimia, then exercise bulimia.  When Brian ate, he would go to the gym and exercise so much that it would completely offset his caloric intake.

He was in survival mode--he saw no future for himself.  His 21st birthday brought on even more negative change.  Brian deadened his emotions with alcohol.  The numbness dulled the constant pain.  He began drinking every night to be confident enough to socialize.  He drank every day to go to class.  For the majority of his junior and senior years at Penn State, he was in a constant state of drunkenness or hungover.  Brain did not want to face the real world.

One day, Brian heard some of his friends talking about attending law school.  He saw this as an opportunity to avoid reality for another three years.  When he sat for the LSAT, he received a decent score and applied to Pitt Law with his friends.  As soon as he received his acceptance letter, he sent his deposit and made plans to go to law school.

Why Did I Even Go to Law School?

The first day at Pitt Law--Brian reaching another milestone--was not the happy one that it was meant to be.  Brian's brain told him that every other student there saw right through him to who he really was: a fat pig that did not belong.  His instincts told him that all he had to do was survive.  He could continue drinking and survive.  However, quickly things began to deteriorate and he realized that he may not graduate.  The same habits he had in undergrad would no longer cut it.

During the first Civil Procedure class, the professor called on Mr. Cuban.  Brian replied that he did not know the answer to the question.  The professor persisted, phrasing the question in a different way.  Brian again refused.  The professor attempted a third time and Brian exploded.  "Leave me alone!"  This set the precedent for the rest of his three years at law school.  He was so ashamed of his behavior that he did not even attend graduation.

Downfall in Dallas

In 1986, Brian moved in with his brother Mark.  This was just gasoline on the fire.  He felt like Mark was babysitting him and pushing him to take the Texas Bar Exam.  Brian did not like the constant supervision, and he would often get into arguments with his brother over his behavior and excessive use of alcohol.

The summer of 1987 led to his introduction to cocaine.  He was in the bathroom of the Crescent Hotel for an event when another person offered to give him a line.  This brought him to a high that he had never felt in his lifetime.  When he looked in the mirror, he finally saw someone that was loveable.  He was instantly addicted to the feeling, even though he wasn't physically dependent... yet.

Mark finally encouraged Brian to take the Texas State Bar Exam.  Brian found a room in a seedy Fort Worth hotel where he could "study".  His study aides were 3 ounces of cocaine, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and 2 liters of Tab.  These study tools were not as helpful as he hoped they would be.  Brian failed the test twice before he finally passed by the skin of his teeth.

Passing the bar finally helped Brian become gainfully employed.  Cocaine became his new best friend.  He would bring cocaine to his office and the courthouse in order to clear his mind from the hangovers that he suffered from his constant drinking.

One night, Brian was out with friends, celebrating a court case win, and he decided to drive himself home.  A police officer pulled him over, tested his BAC and found that he was above the legal level.  He was charged with a DWI.  Brian called his lawyer and was able to escape conviction--he evaded the consequences of his addiction.

As his addiction to alcohol and cocaine progressed, he began to lose clients.  He was no longer effective at his job as counsel.  In order to maintain employment, Brian began to take cases that he should not have taken.  He was desperate.  Whenever friends or family reached out in concern, he denied their help and put on a mask of contentment.  He had attempted human connection through marriage, but after three failed he quit on himself.

The Apex

In 2005, Brian attempted suicide.  When his brothers Jeff and Mark entered his house, they found remnants of drugs and alcohol littered everywhere, and Brian was holding a gun to his head.  They took him to the Green Oaks Psychiatric Facility.  The trouble was that Brian, with his lawyer training, was able to talk himself out of anything.  He was discharged and ordered to spend two weeks at home with minimal contact with the outside world.  Angry for this lockdown, Brian lashed out towards good friends and family.  He called his drug dealer, who did home deliveries for his high-profile clients and wallowed in self-pity.

During January 2006, it seemed like Brian's life was on the upswing.  He met a fellow lawyer, Amanda, and began dating again.  Mark was very proud of his brother's progress and put Brian in charge of the construction of the American Airlines Center.  The longer leash caused Brian to repeat the cycle of addiction.  He began using again, and he would show up to planning meetings high or drunk.

April 2007 was an alarming wakeup call.  Amanda returned home to the residence that she shared with Brian, and she looked down at him passed out on the kitchen floor.  Two days were blacked out in Brian's memory.  He was readmitted to Green Oaks and received treatment.  Amanda stood by Brian for a decade, even though he initially refused to enter a residential facility or follow a twelve-step program.

The Happy Ending

It took Brian quite a while to convince himself to enter a twelve-step program.  Initially, he would do fake walk-bys down the hall before entering the room.  During his first meeting, he sat there crying as he listened to the stories and the testimonies of the other people present.  He could not help but compare his life experiences to the ones described.

This meeting made Brian long for one day of a clear mind.  He wanted one full day with his family.  On April 8, 2007, he spent a full 24 hours with his family.  Since that day he has not had a single drink or a relapse with cocaine.  Brian had to work through a lot to reach his sobriety.

He had to deal with the little boy with a troubled childhood with an overwhelming need of affirmation.  He had to let go of his anger towards his mother and the rest of his family.  He had to forgive himself.

Brian has been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years dealing with his depression, and he even writes letters to his inner child about the importance of loving oneself.  "Shame knows no hourly rate."

"Wives and girlfriends may come and go, but all you have are your brothers."--Norton Cuban